Heartbreaks & hopes

When you wake up in the morning here (in the village of Sinon, Tanzania) one of the things that gets you out of bed is having no idea what will happen that day. You'll have a basic idea of what you want to achieve but you are well prepared for it to go pear shaped. You are constantly juggling things in your mind and physically that even the most well organised person becomes forgetful here!


I have been here managing the operations side of things at Kesho Leo for about seven weeks, on this, my third trip back to Arusha. I had been looking forward to coming here for this year for a very long time. After over three years of creating fws with beck, shona, anne and ed; endless planning, formulating, applying, fundraising, meeting, I really wanted this chance to be 'doing fws' full time. Running a professional and fast moving organisation across Australia and across the world (outside of full time work) has certainly tested our resources and reserves. All five of us have learnt a lot about ourselves and each other and it hasn’t always been easy.

Of course the recent heartbreak has tested us some more and I have to say that my heart is full from the strength that I have seen in our team and our organisation as a whole, as well as all the wonderful new people that have jumped on board to help us some more. And now I have been bowled over to come here to Tanzania and to feel the strength of our local team.
I have had many moments where the gravity of what happened here and the loss of Darren, for Rebecka, for his family, for this project have hit me like a sledgehammer. I have watched men cry in a culture where that is not done. I have sat in a meeting with Mudi our local manager as we had to revisit details about the incident, at a point in the meeting, I felt Mudi's heart shatter some more, I heard it. Mudi loved and respected Darren, they had a solid and equal relationship, Mudi said to me 'Kelsey why did they kill THIS man, HE is a good man'. There have been times when I have cried along side our staff here, I realise that I am crying for the loss of Darrens beaming face and his buoyant energy and for Rebecka and for Darren’s family who are in so much pain, but I am also crying from guilt. I have thought about this feeling of guilt and realised that I feel guilty when I see those in the community grieve, these people who have worked with and known Darren, I cant help but feel like we brought them this heartbreak.



It creates a dilemma when you know that these people’s futures have changed dramatically, that we have brought them hopes that they could never have had for themselves and their children, but amidst that we have also brought them hurt. When I think this through I accept my lack of control in other peoples lives and I think that’s a good thing. Yes I am one of the five women who created fws and toiled for years to bring hope to this community, and yes because of what happened we have also brought hurt. But I also recognise the example of a man that Darren was to all of the young men that work for us, they recount for me the way that he loved this community and what that meant to them. I remember that what we are creating here is a place for this community to flourish and the rest is up to them; the hope and the hurt, in our future together there will be buckets of both and that’s just life.

So highlights of hope I’ve seen since I've returned and look out for plenty of these in future blogs cause they happen every day:

• Realising that our 10 Kesho Leo house mamas are an incredible team. Their rapport with each other and their support for each other is beautiful. Being on a local bus with them all as they argued about the price of the fare with the conductor. Rightly so, they argued that we shouldn’t have to pay for full fare as we were all sitting on each other’s knee, two women were therefore only taking up one space. One of the mamas said ‘we kesho mamas are confidence’ (that was one of my proudest moments).
  
  
  
• Being in the village and seeing our mamas and their kids going about their daily lives and realizing that since I last saw them in January this year that their lives really have changed for the better and that foodwatershelter has brought that to them.
  
  
• Sharing in their journey as the build team arrive and continue their brother, father and friend's work on Kesho Leo. Sharing with these men as they pride in Darren's work and in their opportunity to facilitate its completion, as I do what I can to nurture them as they experience their heartbreaks and hopes along the way.
  
• Seeing our labourers building with so much confidence, these 'once were farmers' are now skilled labourers.
• Watching Erin and Corky taking Maths and English classes with our labourers and Askaris (guards), maths includes skills at the market, buying and selling, they are beaming with their newfound practical skills.

Watching our farm at Kesho Leo green and grow and realizing that it is going to be an oasis, we are going to be able to be self sufficient for food and this food will be sensational.

After dropping one of our mamas home late one evening by myself, having to put our beast of a car into 4 WD and get up a muddy slope (I was always afraid of that!)

Taking many visitors on site tours of Kesho Leo knowing that at the beginning they probably expect to catch us out on something and then seeing at the end their recognition that fws lives and breathes the term holistic!

Evening light in the village and watching rocket grow in our veggie garden (!) - thanks to Eve our gardening superstar.

…and so then at the end of a day here in Arusha what you feel is a different kind of tired to anything I ever experienced, you feel spent, physically and emotionally spent, its almost a cleansing feeling. You go to bed knowing there’s not much left to give but then the next day you wake up ready to do it all again.